Old Regrets
by queenpearl
Summary: As CMO, Excelsior has borne witness to a number of changes in Starfleet. She has seen ships live, grow old, and die. And she has seem them die far before their time. One of these was her mentor, and her flagship.


Excelsior sat motionless at the dock. Next to her was Enterprise. The Sovereign class was in spacedock while the scaring around her eyes healed. Excelsior's transplants had been a success but it would be another 2 weeks before they could be brought online. For the time being, Enterprise was completely blind so she wasn't aware of her CMO's state. Her condition and the circumstances surrounding it had reminded the old starship of things she wished she could forget. Then promptly felt guilty for even wishing that. Excelsior spoke quietly, so quietly that Enterprise wasn't sure she could hear her. "Forgive me." She whispered. Enterprise frowned. "For what?" She asked, turning to face her. All she had to go on for reference was the sound of Excelsior's voice, which was deep with sorrow.

Excelsior straightened up. "USS Excelsior, you are to use any means necessary to stop USS Enterprise from escaping spacedock. Signed Admiral Cartwright." She quoted. Enterprise stiffened, then sighed. "Genesis." She murmured. "I failed in those orders En. Not only that I failed you." She said. "It was a long time ago." Enterprise said. "Those orders, I assumed them to mean to shove a torpedo up your ass if you didn't comply. Whether I complied or not made no difference in the end. Klingon phasers or if I, fired on my own mentor." Excelsior sighed. Enterprise was silent for a moment. Even blind she looked clearly contemplative. Excelsior waited. "Excelsior, would you allow me a link?" "What?" "Well I've never seen that day from your perspective before. For me it was several lifetimes ago so my own memory is a little fuzzy. And since you insist upon talking about it." Enterprise said. "Please Enterprise. Don't make me relieve that again. I can't..." Excelsior begged. "Why not? You're the one who brought it up." Enterprise replied. "I can _feel_ your pain, Ex. Don't you think maybe, that it's time?" Excelsior drew in a breath and slowly let it out, deflating. Not that Enterprise could see it.

She closed the distance between them, making the first move as Enterprise required her guidance to do this. Excelsior pressed her saucer underneath the Sovereign's, closing her eyes as she felt Enterprise gently lower her head to rest over her bridge. Her next breath was a bit more shaky and she gripped Enterprise a bit more strongly than necessary. Then, she let themselves go to the past.

Excelsior sat quietly at her berth. On the outside she appeared stoic but her eyes gave away a hint of concern. She spared glances at the wounded ship beside her. Her mentor, and flagship Enterprise. The old Constitution-class lay motionless, in too much pain to move, in too much pain to sleep. Every so often she'd shift ever so slightly and then wince, her face contorting as her eyes flashed her agony. And each time a small piece of Excelsior's heart broke. _"If only I had been there."_ Her thoughts, her feelings were coming through clearly to the silent invisible observer standing just off to the side. The modern Sovereign-class Enterprise E. She watched herself and the young Excelsior with her typical stoickness. One might think she looked mean as she stared hard at the pair but she was just very, very observant. So far the link was working perfectly. All of Excelsior's emotions, right down to her stray thoughts, were coming through as though she had said them yesterday. Right then, Excelsior was feeling worried for her mentor's well being. Fearful of the very thought of Enterprise facing another battle now. Her love for her mentor gave Enterprise E a sense of peace, rooting her in the moment and keeping her from becoming lost in Excelsior's whirlwind of emotions. But underneath it all was a strong sense of guilt. Excelsior felt guilty that she hadn't been present to protect her. Again Enterprise moved painfully and Enterprise E watched as Excelsior gave a low whine. Enterprise's gaze snapped up in surprise to look at her student, her gaze soft. Excelsior pressed her muzzle against the base of her swan like neck, being extra careful of the painful burns feet from her nose. Enterprise gave a soft sigh as she rested her saucer over hers.

For the next several minutes, Enterprise E watched as Excelsior did her best to ease Enterprise's pain. Once again the strong feelings of _worry-fear-worry, love-protect-safe with me_ washed over her. She briefly lost herself in the tide and was jolted it out of it by the change in scene. Enterprise and Excelsior had parted with Enterprise beginning to back out of her berth. "Enterprise, where are you going?" Excelsior asked. _Fear-concern._ "I'm sorry Excelsior." Enterprise's blue eyes flashed with guilt. "But I have to do this." "No you don't!" _Fear-protect-must stay._ "Don't try and stop me!" Enterprise E was driven by Excelsior's emotions as much as the young ship was. She longed to call out to herself, beg her to stay, to listen to Excelsior. But she was unable to speak. She could only trail after Excelsior as the new ship chased Enterprise out of spacedock. She acted deaf as Excelsior gave one last desperate plea. "Please Enterprise, come back inside. You're in no condition to fly and if you come across any trouble at all..." _Fear-fear-desperate love. Protect-love-protect._ Even though this was only a memory, Enterprise E still winced as she watched herself vanish in a trail of rainbow light. Excelsior's fear morphed into anger and she readied transwarp drive. _Anger-betrayal-why? Must stop her._ Enterprise E held her breath, even though she knew the outcome, as Excelsior prepped for warp. She breathed a little easier seeing firsthand the results of her handiwork. She always regretted sabotaging Excelsior like this. Her regret was made harder as she felt Excelsior's reaction for the first time. _Betrayal-why?-why would you do this?_ came first and foremost. Then, after a second _protect-keep safe-must protect._ Excelsior tried again to engage transwarp. Now this Enterprise E wasn't aware of. Excelsior had told her she'd tried once to chase her, and the flagship was unaware that in fact she'd tried multiple times. Each time causing further damage to her already useless engines. "Excelsior stop please!" She cried out, unable to watch any longer. Her student was going to kill herself coming after her. "It's no use, you're killing yourself! Shut down before more damage is done." And for some reason, Excelsior headed her plea. She paused, her engines clunking before shutting down altogether. In an instant, Enterprise E was awash with a hurricane of emotions. _Frustration-fear-anger. Protect-keep safe-must keep trying. Failure-shame-guilt. Love-desperation-see you again, Enterprise._ Enterprise E swallowed hard, wincing as she heard Excelsior scream at the frustration of being unable to move. A crippled starship was never a fun item to deal with as it always brought morale down. Excelsior, Enterprise had always felt and now she knew, had never gotten over that.

She sensed things slow down, the scenery rippling as though it was trying to change. And she knew exactly what was happening. "No, don't try and alter things Excelsior." She said. "Let me see them exactly as they happened. Nothing you say, think, or feel will make me thing any less of you." Her plea worked and the scene resumed itself as before. Excelsior didn't resist the tractor beams at first but then she cocked her head to one side and Enterprise E couldn't hide her wince even if she tried. For she knew what Excelsior was doing. She was receiving a subspace message from Starfleet command. The message read simply _"Enterprise lost in orbit around Genesis. Assume all hands lost."_ The last part isn't what happened of course but Excelsior was intelligent enough to know the first part of the message was undboutably true. Still she fought it. She began to fight reality, represented in the form of those tractor beams. Enterprise E had never seen a starship fight so hard. Just seeing her CMO's desperate agony was hard enough, but she still had the emotions to consider and they came across more clearly than ever before. _Sorrow-denial-cannot be true. Admiration-Enterprise is invincible-hope. Sorrow-no chance- acceptance. Failure-I failed-guilt. Anger-How could you leave me?-guilt. Love-guilt-love._ Everything seemed to dissolve before her eyes and she had the distinct sensation of being pulled somewhere. When things re-orientated themselves, everything was dark again for the flagship and she knew she had returned to her own time and her own mind.

She sensed Excelsior's presence beside her, their fields overlapping as the CMO sat just outside her shields. "When you left, I was angry." Excelsior began. "I-I felt you betrayed me. With what you did. And when I heard the news-" "You felt guilty." Enterprise sighed. "I had come tell myself that you did me a favor. The transwarp thing would've killed me, had I engaged it." "You know that, I didn't have that knowledge at the time." Enterprise said. "I know but it was, easier for me to cope if I believed that your last act, the last time I saw you, you were as selfless as ever." Excelsior replied. "Why now? Why tell me after all these years? That was a century ago, Ex." Enterprise asked. "I suppose it's because I, felt ashamed. For many years. The anger, the hate I felt towards you for leaving me. The hate I felt for A. I saw her, I see you, as a mockery. You're an echo and while you are Enterprise, you aren't my Enterprise." Excelsior sighed. "I understand." Enterprise said quietly. "Oh En please don't hate me for this." Excelsior begged. "I could never hate you Ex." Enterprise replied. "But I must admit, I am a little hurt." "That's even worse." Excelsior bowed her head. "You misunderstand." Enterprise said quickly. "I understand your feelings. You're right after all, I am not that Enterprise. I am my own ship, with my own life. What I am hurt about, is that you waited you're entire life and 5 of mine, to tell me." "For that," Excelsior swallowed. "I am truly sorry."

Enterprise had no reference, even with Excelsior's voice her aim would be crude at best. But she managed to get it right in the cross-hairs. She moved forward and cradled the smaller ship in a warm, loving embrace. "I forgive you." She whispered. "I know you do." Excelsior replied. "Then let your feelings go." Enterprise said. "Let the past stay in the past." Excelsior closed her eyes and Enterprise felt it as the tension left her body for good. At long last, Excelsior's demons had been put to rest. The starship snuggled into her flagship's side and the two prepared for bed. Excelsior had to guide Enterprise into a position that was both comfortable and allowed Excelsior enough room to remain at her side. "Honorious?" She murmured after they had settled down. "Yes, Excelsior?" Enterprise lowered her head, muzzle brushing across the top of her companion's saucer. "I trust you will, keep this confidential?" "It will be our little secret." Enterprise promised. "Honorious?" "Yes?" "A part of my Enterprise, lives on in you." Excelsior replied. "Take care of her." "As long as you are with me, she will remain." Enterprise assured. "And Excelsior?" "Yes?" "I love you too." Excelsior leaned into her embrace, planting a soft kiss on her cheek.


End file.
